Thursday, July 31, 2014

If You Give A Ford A Mayorship

If you give a Ford a mayorship,
He will want some money.

And if you give that Ford some money,
He will want to fund a football team instead of his town.

And if you give a Ford another chance after that,
He will want some drugs.

And if you give a Ford some drugs,
He will want to hide the evidence.

And if you let the Ford hide the evidence,
He will want to show you the evidence.

And if you let him show you the evidence,
The police won't so he'll make a truckload of phony speeches.

And if you let a Ford make phony speeches,
He will want to make a stupid statement that may or may not involve what he does at his home.

And if you let a Ford make stupid statements,
He will want to drink beer.

And if you give a Ford a beer,
He will go to fast food restaurants and swear like there's no tomorrow.

And if you let a Ford swear in public,
He will want to go to rehab.

And if you give a Ford a rehab vacation,
He will only pretend he's going but actually won't.

And if you wait around for a Ford to do his next dumb move,
He probably will.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Archie DEAD?!

As we all (probably) know, there is an Archie comic called "Life With Archie" that takes place in the future.
And, as we all (still probably) know, he just died in it.
Now, let's take a look at ol' redhead's death, shall we?
The day Big Moose finally snapped. We all knew it was coming.
Archie dies in a noble way, saving his friend senator Kevin Keller from being shot for....let's face it, being a senator.
"You wanna get to Kevin? First you gotta get though me! Wait, you have a gun? Uh, never mind. Sorry, Kevin."
Anyways, it was an interesting publicity stunt, though one I disagree with. Seriously, the comic's called "Archie". 
This might just be me, but I think a key rule in a fictional series is not to KILL THE PERSON IT'S NAMED AFTER.
Anyways, another thing that I'd like to point out is this. 
Look at this picture:
There are, like, twenty people inside Pop Tate's Chok'lit (chocolate?) Shoppe when this happened.
Archie's killer was one person with a tiny gun.
I think someone would've been able to catch him, instead of just all making the exact same facial expression in unison. I mean, I definitely agree that I would cry my face off if I was one of Archie's friends, but I would've at least TRIED to stop the killer.

All kidding/mocking aside, I think it was a brave decision to kill Archie off, even if I may disagree with it. There are definitely two sides to this issue, the other being Archie Comics getting more publicity. 
And with that point, it definitely worked.
I'm glad they just killed him in the humorless Life With Archie comic as opposed to the slap-happy normal Archie series, because that probably wouldn't have integrated as well in a universe where the biggest problem is this:
Definitely the proper place to have a traumatizing, bloody death.


Monday, July 28, 2014

5 Cartoon Characters You Didn't Know Were Parodies

Many iconic cartoon characters have came to be due to other people.

Okay, that makes no sense. What I mean is that lots of characters are actually parodies of other people, fictional or otherwise. Some are obvious (Professor Frink=Jerry Lewis), but, not so much. Let's count down the five best un-obvious spoof characters!

5) Kenny McCormmick (South Park)

This one is the lowest spot on the list, due to the fact that some may argue he's not a parody. I'll let you decide, though: Trey Parker (co-creator of South Park) had a friend at school named Kenny who was poor, much like his often-dead cartoon namesake. He would also cut classes a lot, which started this rumor between classmates...
Classmate 1: Hey, where's Kenny today?
Classmate 2: They killed Kenny.
Classmate 1: Okey-dokey.
Now, the reaction to their friend's supposed death probably wasn't as casual as I wrote above. Maybe it was followed by, "You @#!$%*&s", as Kyle Broflofski does whenever the running joke this inspired happens in South Park.
Might I note that when Kenny died in almost every episode,everyone wanted him to catch a break, and now that he has for the entirety of season 17, everyone wants the kid dead again. Jerks.
I consider that a parody. You might consider it a "tribute", or a "needlessly cruel mocking", but too bad. It's on this list.
4) Fred Flintstone (The Flintstones)
Fred's still kinda low on this list, as most of you reading know that he's a parody of Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners.
Still, it may surprise you that this will be news to a lot of people who read this.
Anyways, I won't go too much into this, because the similarities are pretty obvious.
Though I don't recall Fred ever threatening to punch his wife in the face "one of these days".
3) Charles Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons)

On The Simpsons, parody characters aren't unusual (Rainer Wolfcastle is Arnold Schwarzenegger, Itchy and Scratchy are Herman and Katnip, Professor Frink is the Nutty Professor, Chief Wiggum's voice, but not the actual character, is a spoof of Edward G. Robinson, etc.)
Mr Burns here is sort of a strange parody, because he's 90% his own original character. So then why's he on this list? Because I'm stupid. 
Also, because he's also a parody of a bunch of different people.
Though Mr Burns is definitely an original toon, this "exxxxcellent" tycoon was derived from spoofs of: Fredrik Olsen, John D. Rockefeller, David Rockefeller, Henry Potter (no, not Harry, Henry), the founder of FOX Barry Diller (no, The Simpsons won't ever give FOX a break, hopefully), and "every boss you've ever had", according to one of the show's producers (I think it was either James L. Brooks or Sam Simon, but I forget).
2) Inspector Gadget (Anderson Cooper 360. Just kidding, Inspector Gadget)
The initial idea for Inspector gadget was, "What if we combined Inspector Clouseau and the Six-Million Dollar Man?" (And please don't try picturing that.) What they got was Gadget, the man with the longest face in the world.
When you think about it, it's actually pretty obvious! I mean, the clumsiness with all of the machinery.
Wait, is that arm coming out of his.....head? Ouch.
And now, ladies and gentlemen and otherwise, the winner is......
1) Wil E. Coyote and The Roadrunner (Looney Tunes)
Wait, WHAT?!
Yes, it's true, two of the most monumental cartoon characters of all time were spoofs. Of what, you ask?
Tom and Jerry.
Well, mostly Tom and Jerry, but the cat-and-mouse cartoon style in general. They were just supposed to be a Tom and Jerry cartoon taken to the extremes and were meant as just a one-off parody.

That's all for today! I'll try to have another list and some more Jokemon (see previous post) up soon!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Jokemon: Vladmir Putinachu

Okay, okay, I'm well aware that my hiatus from ICM was FAR too long, but I needed some more material. And yeah, I've said that about 4,000,000 times (give or take), but I'm actually back now!
Please trust me.
Anyways, I keep asking for your trust and letting you down like that by going on hiatuses, but it reminded me of the other people in the world who keep asking for trust and letting us down: politicians! 
I present to you: Jokemon!
(I'm gonna do a bunch of these, so just wait a bit.)