Hey-yo!
As you could probably tell from the title of this post, there are two things:
a) I'm continuing the letter blogging thing.
b) There is now a schedule for ICM: new posts every Tuesday. I think that'll help keep me organized.
Anyways, on with the letters!
Cartman:
He isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Cookie Monster:
AKA the typical American. C'mon, admit it.
Clark Kent:
Wait, sorry, I accidentally put up a picture of Superman. Wait a second...
What a great disguise! I was up several nights trying to figure out the missing link there.
The Super Mario Bros. villain who causes you to walk backwards throughout the entire stinking level.
Bamm-Bamm:
This child will destroy you.
The baby from The Flintstones who you can't help but suspect is on steroids.
Barack Obama:
The current president, the subject of 999, 999, 999+ memes, the guy who gets blamed for everything (see above), as well as the subject of one of my better posts on this site (that debate was just...no. You can do better, Barry. We've seen you do better).
All right, I promised you more posts, and more posts ye shall receive (although you'll probably get a lot more posts in summertime, when I have more free time).
Here's something I've seen a few other bloggers do, so I decided to also do it. It's called letter blogging (I think). What it basically is is I designate one post to every letter of the alphabet and write about things that start with that letter.
So, here goes "A":
Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Arnold enjoys life.
Ahh, the action movie-star-turned-governor-turned-action movie star.
Akbar & Jeff:
These characters are from Matt Groening's "Life In Hell" comic strip. These guys often contemplate life and stuff in the comic, and they also made fezzes awesome.
Ant Man:
"Wait, who?" "Just watch the movie." "Okay."
Marvel has recently started a trend of introducing obscure characters into movies, and this is next in line. Nobody on the face of the planet had ever heard of this guy beforehand, but we're still all gonna watch this movie.
Arcades:
I will beat Ms. Pac-Man. I swear it.
Azrael:
Gangsta stare.
The cat from The Smurfs that wants to eat the Smurfs. I guess they taste good. Probably not, though. They probably taste all disgusting.
Ah, Hanna Barbera. You gave us tons of classic cartoons that everyone grew up with.
Then it became 1969, and you stopped.
I'm not entirely sure what happened to HB in the late 60s-early 70s, but here are a few examples of how they stopped caring for a while:
1) They churned out about 3, 999, 999, 999 new shows with unmemorable characters about twice a week.
2) The animation got even WORSE. How....I'll just leave it at, "how".
But here is, what in my opinion, was one of the most unwatchable HB cartoons produced, that, for some unknown reason (my bet is riding on Satan. I don't know how, but...Satan) has an actual fan following. Yes, that's right, people have actual nostalgic memories for this.
The cartoon in question, of course, is Jabberjaw.
All right, so you're probably either wondering, "well, you say this thing is so lame, but why?" or "you keep promising to update this blog more regularly, jerkface". Well, here's my case against Jabberjaw.
ICM's Case Against Jabberjaw
First and foremost, it suffered from the same disease every other 70s-HB cartoon had: plagiarism.
It was basically a version of Scooby-Doo with no interesting characters and no plot. The writers did this for the sole purpose of people not having to use a single brain cell while watching this. Like Scooby Doo, it was about a group of teenagers who have a talking animal that they travel with as they solve mysteries.
In Scooby Doo, the talking dog made sense (somewhat). That's an actual pet that people have, so using one as the sidekick could work. Here, it's a group of teens with...a shark. What game of drunk Mad Libs were you playing when you conceived this?
Also, they were a band or something.
Fifteen different types of drugs were consumed to draw this image.
Alright, so we already know that this is an even more campy version of Scooby Doo (again, how). But it gets worse. Of course you're probably trying to think of how a horribly-animated ripoff of Soocby Doo with twice the drugs (probably) involved about a group of campy teenagers who like to solve mysteries as well as play in a band in which a talking shark is the drummer gets worse, but again, the key word is "plagiarism".
And it's not plagiarism from one of the personality-less teenagers. Or any side characters. Or even the plot.
No.
It's the main character. That's right, the namesake, the marketing angle for this abomination is a full-blown, 100% ripoff. That's awful.
And it's not like they took the character they were ripping off and changed them to fit the show like they did with Ralph Kramden and Fred Flintstone...he's a full-blown ripoff.
AND...and and and and and...it's not like they're ripping off someone who isn't super distinctive, so people wouldn't recognize that they were ripping them off...they blatantly, without even TRYING to hide it, steal the personality, voice, and mannerisms of Curly (from the "Three Stooges").
Wow.
Just, wow.
Here, look at a clip of this stupid shark and tell me he isn't completely ripping off Curly:
Still not convinced? Okay, here's his laugh:
The Verdict:
If I had to choose one word to describe this show, it would be "shameless".
First, they rip off one of their OWN SHOWS. Why would you do that? What is the purpose? Just make more episodes of the original show you're ripping off.
Next, they rip off an easily recognizable fictional character. Then, they make that ripoff their lead guy. Smart.
Aside from the lawsuits (that still haven't happened about forty years later, for some reason) this show is just generally uncreative, lame, and too campy. Emphasis on "too campy", because that really doesn't help this thing age well.
I sentence you to ten years of reading any book about how to come up with ideas, because you need it.
My final verdict?
Negative 6.1 points overall. You suck, Jabberjaw (except for your theme song).
Recently, a horror point-and-click game called Five Nights At Freddy's has been extremely popular.
Keeping up with our usual trend of milking fads, here at ICM, we've provided a comprehensive game-guide on how to beat the game!
With Apple, Microsoft, and Linux (for the two people on Earth who use that), there are software updates.
They take half an hour to install, and all they do is make your screen 0.00000002% brighter, or erase all your contacts, or something like that.
And then they write a new "Terms & Conditions" for each new update, which no living soul has ever bothered to read.
I feel really sorry for the poor slob who has to write a new "Terms & Conditions" for the every five minutes an update comes out. I really do. Those things are lengthy. They must take at least two hours to write/proofread. And nobody has ever read them.
Though they probably should.
If I wrote one of those, I would be really tempted to just sneak things in like, "by clicking 'Agree', you hereby give us your firstborn" and stuff like that.
But that's beside my point.
My point is that these take forever to load, are released every other day, and are just overall tedious. I still haven't updated my iPad to iOS 8.1 billion jigowatts or whatever we're on now.
This is honestly why I'm considering switching to this computer:
Here's something I haven't done for a while...
So, basically, reporter Brian Williams recently admitted that he made up a truckload of his stories, and now, nobody likes him. But why let Brian boy have all the fun? Let's make up our own Brian Williams News Stories....
DIY: Brian Williams Stories
Hi, this is Brian Williams. I'm here today in (1), and I have shocking news. I recently spoke with (2), and they told me that (3).
Now, being the brave man I am, I am going to have to fly into the disaster zone myself and save the day. Also, I (4). This is all true. I swear.
(1)-Iraq
-Disney Land
-Heaven
-A coma
(2)-The ambassador
-Chuck Norris
-Wikipedia
-A completely, verified, not made-up source
(3)-The world is ending
-Everything's better with Perry
-I am definitely here. I swear
-There's a dog in the vent
(4)-Lowered taxes single handedly
-Am guaranteed free entry for the rapture
-Am Lorde. Ya ya ya
-Removed all Kardashians from the gene pool. You're welcome
Occasionally, people get separated at birth.
This can happen to anyone, even celebrities. Here at ICM's (nonexistent) research department, we've pinpointed who these celebrities unknown brother/sisters are...
No, not the good show (known as "SatAM"), the bad one.
What happens when you take a good video game, knock all sense and logic out of it, and then put it on TV? Something similar to "The Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog".
I honestly have no words to describe this thing, so let's just analyze the show in parts, shall we?
First up, the theme song starts with Sonic and Tails sleeping. This is about as calm as the show gets, and it lasts a full half-second. Then, this giant alarm clock rings, it wakes up Sonic (voiced by the guy who played Urkel. He actually does a pretty good job, though), and he jumps on Tails to wake him up. Right on his back.
That looks painful.
The next minute of the theme song is just basically things running around and exploding at an extremely fast pace. We also get this delightful image:
Is that over with? Good. Now comes the "story".
I'm not choosing one specific episode, because every time it's the exact same thing...
Dr. Robotnik sends his robots after Sonic with no rhyme or reason to his actions, and they're the most annoying things in the world. They try a bunch of schemes stolen from similar to Wil E. Coyote's, but Sonic will manage to escape them. Eventually, he gets tired of putting up with this junk, so he gets a marvelous plan: he dons a costume and tries to trick them.
His "costume" usually consists of him wearing a coat and a mustache. If it's a good day, he'll wear glasses and a hat, too. And the robots are fooled by this every. Single. Time.
Here are a few of his disguise masterpieces. This magnum opus truly proves the writers don't care what's happening in this show:
Where did his ears/spikes on his head go?
How are they fooled by this? Are there that many blue hedgehogs that sound like Jaleel White walking around town?
No, that doesn't look ANYTHING like Sonic.
Wha--are you kidding me? How is that even a disguise?
After many chili-dog jokes (far too many), Sonic and tails eventually save the day.
But, NOOO, it can't end yet! We still have to get to my favorite part of the show: "Sonic Sez".
Here is the network-mandated segment of the show where Sonic, the guy who just fought killer robots for fifteen minutes, teaches us about safety. This is as good of an idea as Mel Gibson teaching anger management classes.
But we can't go for normal morals here. Nope. In this part of the show, Sonic teaches little kids about sexual harassment and why riding in a dryer is a bad idea. I'm serious. I swear. These were real episodes of the show. First off, I don't think any small children need to know about these things, and second, I get the feeling it never occurred to any kids to take a ride in a dryer until they mentioned it here. Nice going, jerks.
"..and remember, kids, should the CIA get involved, it's a good idea to just tell the truth! Yep, these are the morals kids need to know!"
So, all in all, was this show good? Well, that would be a relative term, really. If you consider "incomprehensible" good, then, yes, it was.
