Coding ICM

Coding seems to be a good way to help websites, so maybe I could give it a try. ICM needs more originality! Also, I don't know a fart in the wind about code, and I just started learning, and this is all fake, like most of the stuff on this blog, and-.....

PROGRAM: inside_a_cartoonist's_mind
         FILE TYPE: blog
PROCEDURE: IF user ("CartoonistGuy")
             THEN
                Initiate: "HAL-9000"
"HAL-9000": ("Welcome_back,_Lord"!)
           IF user NOT ("CartoonistGuy")
                               THEN
                Initiate: "Peon Settings"
"Peon Settings": ("Get_off_this_blog_worthless_scum".)
"Peon Settings": ("Welcome_back,_reader"!)
DISPLAY: ("Latest_blog_post")
             ALONGSIDE:
                     ("Other_old_blog_posts")
                IF user: NOT_LOGGED_ON
                   THEN
                      Initiate: ("Get_your_sorry_buttocks_logged_on".)
                IF NOT_LOGGED_ON
                    [Still_fails_to_log_on]
                   THEN
Initiate: "Torture Mode"}
                         "Torture Mode":
-+$1,000 to NOT_LOGGED_ON's credit card every: "0.000000005" seconds.
-Call NOT_LOGGED_ON's grandmother: "Old_fart".
-Tell NOT_LOGGED_ON to: "Log_on,_for_God's_sake"!