Friday, January 9, 2015

Back To The 90's: The Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog

No, not the good show (known as "SatAM"), the bad one.
What happens when you take a good video game, knock all sense and logic out of it, and then put it on TV? Something similar to "The Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog".
I honestly have no words to describe this thing, so let's just analyze the show in parts, shall we?
First up, the theme song starts with Sonic and Tails sleeping. This is about as calm as the show gets, and it lasts a full half-second. Then, this giant alarm clock rings, it wakes up Sonic (voiced by the guy who played Urkel. He actually does a pretty good job, though), and he jumps on Tails to wake him up. Right on his back.
That looks painful.
The next minute of the theme song is just basically things running around and exploding at an extremely fast pace. We also get this delightful image:
Is that over with? Good. Now comes the "story". 
I'm not choosing one specific episode, because every time it's the exact same thing...
Dr. Robotnik sends his robots after Sonic with no rhyme or reason to his actions, and they're the most annoying things in the world. They try a bunch of schemes stolen from similar to Wil E. Coyote's, but Sonic will manage to escape them. Eventually, he gets tired of putting up with this junk, so he gets a marvelous plan: he dons a costume and tries to trick them.
His "costume" usually consists of him wearing a coat and a mustache. If it's a good day, he'll wear glasses and a hat, too. And the robots are fooled by this every. Single. Time.
Here are a few of his disguise masterpieces. This magnum opus truly proves the writers don't care what's happening in this show:
Where did his ears/spikes on his head go?
How are they fooled by this? Are there that many blue hedgehogs that sound like Jaleel White walking around town?
No, that doesn't look ANYTHING like Sonic.
Wha--are you kidding me? How is that even a disguise?
After many chili-dog jokes (far too many), Sonic and tails eventually save the day. 
But, NOOO, it can't end yet! We still have to get to my favorite part of the show: "Sonic Sez".
Here is the network-mandated segment of the show where Sonic, the guy who just fought killer robots for fifteen minutes, teaches us about safety. This is as good of an idea as Mel Gibson teaching anger management classes.
But we can't go for normal morals here. Nope. In this part of the show, Sonic teaches little kids about sexual harassment and why riding in a dryer is a bad idea. I'm serious. I swear. These were real episodes of the show. First off, I don't think any small children need to know about these things, and second, I get the feeling it never occurred to any kids to take a ride in a dryer until they mentioned it here. Nice going, jerks.
"..and remember, kids, should the CIA get involved, it's a good idea to just tell the truth! Yep, these are the morals kids need to know!"
So, all in all, was this show good? Well, that would be a relative term, really. If you consider "incomprehensible" good, then, yes, it was.