Friday, January 9, 2015

Back To The 90's: The Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog

No, not the good show (known as "SatAM"), the bad one.
What happens when you take a good video game, knock all sense and logic out of it, and then put it on TV? Something similar to "The Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog".
I honestly have no words to describe this thing, so let's just analyze the show in parts, shall we?
First up, the theme song starts with Sonic and Tails sleeping. This is about as calm as the show gets, and it lasts a full half-second. Then, this giant alarm clock rings, it wakes up Sonic (voiced by the guy who played Urkel. He actually does a pretty good job, though), and he jumps on Tails to wake him up. Right on his back.
That looks painful.
The next minute of the theme song is just basically things running around and exploding at an extremely fast pace. We also get this delightful image:
Is that over with? Good. Now comes the "story". 
I'm not choosing one specific episode, because every time it's the exact same thing...
Dr. Robotnik sends his robots after Sonic with no rhyme or reason to his actions, and they're the most annoying things in the world. They try a bunch of schemes stolen from similar to Wil E. Coyote's, but Sonic will manage to escape them. Eventually, he gets tired of putting up with this junk, so he gets a marvelous plan: he dons a costume and tries to trick them.
His "costume" usually consists of him wearing a coat and a mustache. If it's a good day, he'll wear glasses and a hat, too. And the robots are fooled by this every. Single. Time.
Here are a few of his disguise masterpieces. This magnum opus truly proves the writers don't care what's happening in this show:
Where did his ears/spikes on his head go?
How are they fooled by this? Are there that many blue hedgehogs that sound like Jaleel White walking around town?
No, that doesn't look ANYTHING like Sonic.
Wha--are you kidding me? How is that even a disguise?
After many chili-dog jokes (far too many), Sonic and tails eventually save the day. 
But, NOOO, it can't end yet! We still have to get to my favorite part of the show: "Sonic Sez".
Here is the network-mandated segment of the show where Sonic, the guy who just fought killer robots for fifteen minutes, teaches us about safety. This is as good of an idea as Mel Gibson teaching anger management classes.
But we can't go for normal morals here. Nope. In this part of the show, Sonic teaches little kids about sexual harassment and why riding in a dryer is a bad idea. I'm serious. I swear. These were real episodes of the show. First off, I don't think any small children need to know about these things, and second, I get the feeling it never occurred to any kids to take a ride in a dryer until they mentioned it here. Nice going, jerks.
"..and remember, kids, should the CIA get involved, it's a good idea to just tell the truth! Yep, these are the morals kids need to know!"
So, all in all, was this show good? Well, that would be a relative term, really. If you consider "incomprehensible" good, then, yes, it was.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Guess Who Said It: Ralph Wiggum Or Gary Busey?

To ring in 2015, we're playing a game. Did Ralph Wiggum or Gary Busey say it?
If you can't figure it out, I don't blame you.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

What We REALLY Searched For Most In 2014

Recently, Google released a video about what we searched for in 2014.
And everything was "hope", "science", "fear", and other cliches. First off, I doubt those were the most-searched things.
Second, what was anyone expecting to find with "hope"? A website that generates hope into your mind or something.
Anyhow, we (read: I) here at ICM Industries (Editor's note: not a real industry) have decided to bring you the REAL top-searched items on Google in 2014...

Monday, December 15, 2014

Deleted Scenes From The Star Wars Trailer

If these make it into the movie, it'll be only slightly better than "The Phantom Menace".

Thursday, December 11, 2014

One Final Rob Ford Thought

Well, Rob Ford isn't Toronto mayor anymore, so I guess I'll have to stop making fun of him.
I mean, I have to spoof relevant things, and ever since he quit the race for mayor, no one talks about him anymore.
Like, at all.
Jeez, we have short attention spans.
If you tried a reverse image search of him, he probably wouldn't even come up anymore. That's how much nobody talks about him. And it would probably look like this:

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Let's Talk About TMZ

Let's talk about TMZ, shall we?

Basically, the show starts with the host, Harvey, and.....and...taking head #2 blathering about what celebrities they will mock on this ever-so informative program today.

This has already been done much more intellectually with Beavis and Butt-head.
Not pictured: whats-his-name.
We are then exposed to a. Solid. Hour. Of blurry, shaky, fast-paced, inaudible celebrity interviews where they ambush them in various places. I love how they just literally stalk the people they're looking for.
Waiting for Mike Myers to get the runs!
And, of course, lest we forget Harvey and his band o' merry misfits laughing about the plastic surgery on celebrities. Unfortunately, this isn't "The Introduce Pot To Kettle Show".
He said, "laugh", so do it or you get kicked off the show.
They show us what's coming up on the show before commercial breaks. The one thing that actually sounds remotely interesting is the one thing they play at the very end (to keep you watching), and if you're wearing your lucky underpants they'll talk about it for five full seconds.
Who needs to know things that actually matter?
But, above all, the one thing we should talk about is the directing.

As mentioned before, the footage is blurry and shaky. But the one thing that really shows the director's talent is how he always cuts to some random guy in the studio whenever Harvey's talking.
The really interesting thing is nothing you have to say, Harvey.
This is truly a "special" show.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Problem With Names

Many people hate their names, but I really don't think any of us are permitted to vent about them around Winnie the Pooh.
I mean, seriously, what were they thinking?

"Hmm, yeah, no one'll make fun of this name."

I can only imagine the amount of little kids expecting to read the new Captain Underpants book or something, and found out the story was about this bear.
Actually, I'd read that.