Tuesday, September 24, 2013

It's My Birthday!

It's my birthday! Not much to post today, just a sneak peek of tomorrow:
COMING NEXT: Review of Despicable Me Two!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Review, Duuuude

Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

Plot: The original Beavis and Butt-Head are failing school, although UNLIKE Beavis and Butt-Head, they're doing their hardest and don't want to flunk out. their teachers tells them if they manage to get an A on the next history report, he'll pass them.They get a time-machine and go back in time to certain events to learn about them. They bring back some historical figures (Abe Lincoln, Socrates, etc.) to help teach them about history. Meanwhile, one of their dads (I forgot which is which) wants t send them to military school unless they pass the test. All the historical figures get arrested for being weird in public, something that should have happened to Toronto mayor Rob Ford a while ago, so Bill-Vis and Butt-Ted (Ha ha! Anyone? Never mind.) break them out. They then give their presentation (which they somehow manged to get together in 20 seconds, but I won't question that) and get an A. They then start a band with girls from the past and become famous in the future! No, this sin't a Disney movie.

Rating: Nine stars (out of a possible ten). Great comedy, but a few plotholes.

Recommended For: Comedy fans! This is the original "Grown-Ups".

You'll Love It If: You want to see one of the original buddy comedies.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

My Reviews Will Go On

I disappeared for a while. (Or seven days, whatever.)
Why? Because I promised epic movie reviews, (although not of the movies "Epic Movie" and "Epic"...) and it took me a while to think of what to write for each, but they're starting NOW.

Titanic (1997)

Plot: A boat sinks. Didn't we all know this?

Deeper Into The Plot: You will see naked people, death, people jumping off boats into a bigger boat, and screaming! It starts out when Jack Dawson, a "traveler" (I call them "hobos"), wins two tickets to the Titanic for him and his friend Fabio (who I called "Super Mario"). The guy he wins them from really dodged a bullet. Unfortunately, his tickets are in the third-class level, which is technically a sewer. He meets Rose, who came on this cruise with her mom, the rich jerk she's getting forced to marry, and Molly Brown, who MAD Magazine described as "so fat, she's the standby anchor for the colossal ship".
Rose is about to commit suicide by jumping off the boat. You'd really think the security would notice her doing that, but you'd be wrong! Jack saves her, love scene, but the security and obnoxious guy-to-marry rush in (oh, sure, NOW they notice!) and think Jack is trying to murder Rose. Rose vouches for him, and he gets invited to dinner with her. He then invites HER to dinner, then shows her his sketchbook, full of naked people.

Rose asks Jack to draw her like "one of his French girls", but instead of putting a beret on her and making her eating croissants (sorry French people. I'm part-French, so I thought it might be okay), he draws her naked! The jerk-to-marry person is jealous of Jack, so he steals Rose's necklace, a prized possession, which Jack drew her wearing in the "French" picture, and places it in Jack's pocket. He gets framed. The ship starts to sink, and the third-class people are trapped because the crew are an army of butts.
Rose escapes onto a lifeboat with her mom, Molly Brown, and Marriage-Jerk, but jumps off to save Jack.

But hey, this movie has been really amazing so far. No plotholes, except for this one: When Jack and Rose are floating in the water, Rose gets up on a piece of Debris. Safe! But then Jack doesn't and dies (spoiler), even though he easily could have fit on the debris, too. I dunno, were they making it more tragic?
Rose is saved and brought home. Years later, a crew of workers find Jack's "French" drawing on the sunken Titanic, and Rose gets called in to tell the entire story, which I just told you.

The only way she can prove that she's the girl in the drawing is with her necklace, which she has. (She got it back after being stolen.) Then when she's alone, Rose drowns her necklace by throwing it into the sea without telling anyone, where it will rust and decompose, as it is THE LAST PIECE OF EVIDENCE ABOUT THE TITANIC ASIDE FROM THE ACTUAL DROWNED SHIP. She then dies in her sleep.
And they all live happily ever after! No, wait, they're all dead.

Rating: Ten stars (out of a possible ten). It's not the genre I'm used to (I'm a comedy guy), but this was a great movie aside from the aforementioned one plothole.

Recommended For: Someone learning about the Titanic.

You'll Like It If: You're patient. This is three hours long!
New review coming soon!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

A Future Google Glass Review We Might See

By Bob Bobberson, Tech Journalist
(It was really by Cartoonist Guy.)

Google has released their new product, Google Glass, or "Google Glass" for short. Yet again, another ripoff of the iPhone by Google, but this time it won't be ignored. That's right, not only does it block your line of vision, but it also permanently latches on to your head, and if you try to remove it, it injects arsenic into your brain.
A big worry about Google Glass was driving with it, as people would think it would block your line of vision and you'd hit about five dogs. I can stop these rumors in their tracks, I only hit two.
It has some bugs in the voice recognition software, but I assume an update is coming shortly. Here was a conversation I had with my Google Glass:
Me: Glass, text Timothy "I will be home in five minutes."
Glass: Okay, I have texted Timothy, "I hate you. Go die in a hole, you worthless butt."
Timothy hasn't ever responded.
Then, there's the price. It's kind of expensive at $1,400, but it's a good investment, except with the glass poking your eye all the time.
You know, what? I'm taking my Glass off....wait, NO! NOT THE ARSENIC! ARRRRGHH...

Monday, September 2, 2013

The Scale Of Idiotic Toon Offenses

The same people who thought it was a good idea to show Beavis And Butt-head and Family Guy to preschoolers and complain have been complaining that Spongebob makes preschoolers extremely hyper.
That's dumb. Spongebob isn't meant for preschoolers in the first place! Why are you showing your kids that? Wait until they're, like, seven at least. But....this isn't the first time this has happened! No, parent shave been goofing up and complaining since the '90's.....
Let's look over the list of complains towards cartoons from preschooler parents who shouldn't be showing preschoolers cartoons anyway, shall we?