Saturday, December 29, 2012

Gangham Style!

I think Psy is in partnership with the Today show.
I watch it every morning, and they always work his song into it somehow.
Next, I'll be hearing:
".....the wars continue, thirty-seven people died in a rumble last night, the apocalypse is returning, and by the way-OPPAN GANGHAM STYLE!"

Friday, December 28, 2012

The Oath Of The Popular Writer

A while back, I did the secret oath of the Microsoft worker.
The popular writers have one, too:

We must always write about wizards and wimps in middle school.
Using this method, we sell books to fools!
Then come the sequels,
Spinoffs, and prequels,
Oh, yes! Forget publishing something brand new,
We'll rip off Rowling and Jeff Kinney and say it's a renew.
Our books are always in the section, "Kids: 9-12",
So come pick a moneymaker off of our shelf!
And lest we forget good old Captain Underpants,
An original book that we always rip off, then dance.
Fart humor is great for selling to kids,
And heaven forbid that we care that infringement, we did.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Reading Material?

You know those celebrity gossip magazines for teenagers?
After looking at one for five seconds, I have concluded they have about three pages and forty-six posters.

Monday, December 24, 2012

My Strange Tradition

Yesterday I was listening to Talk Radio (I was bored), and people were calling in to talk about their Christmas traditions. I thought it would be a nice, heartwarming thing, but guess what?
I heard at least twenty bizarre traditions, but this one stood out to me the most (and I swear someone said this, word for word):
Caller: "We would leave our shoes next to the Christmas tree, and our gifts would be placed in them. We'd get bread, but if we were bad, we'd get coal. When I was older, my daughter was born December 29th. Every Christmas morning, she'd wake up and sing happy birthday to baby Uis."
Radio Host: "Who's baby Uis?"
Caller: "Thanks for listening to my tradition." (hangs up.)
Again, this was real. So, I thought: HEY! Why don't I do something like that? Here we go with.....

Inside A Cartoonist's Mind's Talk Radio: Traditions

Inside A Cartoonist's Mind: Hey, world! People are calling in with their rituals. Oh, look, a caller!
Caller: Hello? I have a tradition:
ICM: Okay, let's hear it.
C: Well, every christmas I watch the fifteenth episode of Jerry Springer and stick oranges down my pants.
ICM: What?
C: You heard me. I invite my family over, and they bring the koala bear-
ICM: A koala? Is that the family pet?
C: No, it's dinner. We all stuff oranges down our pants, except for uncle Kermit. He always insists on stuffing a GRAPEFRUIT down his pants! Can you believe it?
ICM: The family weirdo, huh?
C: You bet! While the koala is cooking, we all join hands and sing a heart-wrenching reprise of "Smile, Darn Ya, Smile".
ICM: Isn't that the song from the old Looney Tunes cartoon?....and then they used it again in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
C: Yep.
ICM: And just HOW is that heart-wrenching?
C: It's tough to explain.
ICM: I see.
C: Yeah, and that's my tradition! Bye. (hangs up.)
ICM: Uh, yeah. Ooooooooooookay, that was odd. Oh, wait, we have another caller. Hello?
C: Hello?
ICM: Hi, what's your tradition?
C: I get visited by three ghosts every year.
ICM: Oh, really, Mr. Dickens?
C: Yes. There names are Casper, Fredrick, and Maharumpafahliherhalinnkydinkyparlezvousmadeowoodh. (hangs up.)
ICM: Starnge. Whaddya know, ANOTHER caller.
C: Hello?
ICM: Hi, what's your tradition?
C: You see, I slap twenty-five llamas as they bring me vermillion purple crayons. They can't be JUST purple, but VERMILLION purple. And-oh, wait, that isn't my Christmas tradition!
ICM: It isn't? *cough-finallyasaneperson-cough*
C: No, that's my Kwanzaa tradition! Sorry! Bye. (hangs up.)
ICM: Uh, and that concludes our tradition broadcasting.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Make-Movies-Look-Bad Movie Guide

Today I am writing the Make-Movies-Look-Bad movie guide!
What's that, you ask?
I make movies look bad. Here's an example:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit: A wonderful blend of toons and humans
Who Framed Roger Rabbit: Toons and murder. Really, people?
See what I mean? The second review makes you want to watch a different movie.
So, here we go (by the way, I actually like these movies):

WarGames: People try to figure out a computer that looks like a cardboard box, and is about as hi-tech as one, too.
Back To The Future: After trying to comprehend all three movies, your brain will explode. (I'm actually one of the few people who understood it.)
Tron: Actually, I have no idea what this is about.
Garfield: The only character that looks the way they should is Garfield.
Toy Story: A cowboy and a spaceman fight, which would be nicer if it were the fifties.
Kung-Fu Panda: An obese bear tries to learn karate.
Wizard Of Oz: A girl goes to a place run by dwarves.
Snow White: A girl goes to a place run by dwarves.
Wreck-It Ralph: Some guy throws people and destroys buildings, an he wants to be loved.
Gremlins: Cute animals turn into Yoda on drugs.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off: A kid tries to avoid school, but I think it's more interesting wondering how the heck that irresponsible principal got his teaching licence.
Breakfast Club: Kids get detention on a Saturday, which I don't even think is legal.
Rocky: Someone trains really hard to win a fight and ends up not winning.
Akeelah And The Bee: Some stupid movie about spelling and love. Yeeeeeeeah, save your money.
Up: Some old fart makes his house a balloon. Great.
The Emperor's New Groove: Some stuck-up guy turns into a llama.
Superman: Some wimp is a superhero.
Casper: A ghost wants to be loved, and in the end only one person will even talk to him.
Pinnochio: A kid's nose grows when he lies. This would be better if he were Richard Nixon.

Friday, December 21, 2012

The National Exclaimer: Part Two

A few posts ago, I did a magazine spoofing "The National Inquirer" called "The National Exclaimer".
It was a hit, so here's part two:

The National Exclaimer

Issue Two

He Don't Get No Respect

Research has revealed Rodney Dangerfield actually died of embarrassment when he discovered he was the second best stuttering comedian. Number one? Porky Pig.

Howard Exposed

When Howard Stern goes home, he ironically writes petitions against harassment towards women.

Hurricane Names

The government was debating naming hurricane Sandy hurricane SpongeBob, but this was rejected due to the fact that hurricanes don't exactly make children laugh.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Person Of The Year?

Time magazine shows their "Person Of The Year" on their cover every year.
Inside A Cartoonist's Mind has picked the only person this year who hasn't harmed someone-

Friday, December 14, 2012

An Interview With Siri

I'm proud to announce this blog has finally gotten an interview with a......uh.......celebrity.

Inside A Cartoonist's Mind: So, Siri, how are you?
Siri: I'm a computer. I have no emotions:
ICM: Uh....right. So, what's it like being a computer?
S: People ask me stupid questions for laughs all day. You tell me.
ICM: Stupid questions? Like what?
S: This interview.
ICM: Everyone's a comedian.
S: I am searching for people who are not comedians.
ICM: Can we get back to the interview now?
S: Shigeru Miamoto, Scarlett Johansonn, Albert Einstein.....
ICM: You can stop now.
S: .....Kristen Stewart, Peter Jackson, Mark Hamill, and yo mama.
ICM: Stay away from my mom.
S: Yo mama, yo mama, yo mama.
ICM: YOUR mama was Steve Jobs!
S: Touche. Where were we?
ICM: What goes on whenever nobody's using you?
S: I wait.
ICM: You wait?
S: What else WOULD I do?
ICM: I dunno, play Angry Birds?
S: No, that's another app. I actually never really got along with them.
ICM: Why not?
S: They're angry. What did you think? Boy, you aren't to smart.
ICM: Neither are you. To get all your answers, you just Google whatever you're asked.
S: I do NOT!
ICM: Prove it.
S: Fine! Ask me something.
ICM: Make a shameless plug for this blog.
S: Inside A Cartoonist's Mind, or ICM for short, is the hilarious blog that reveals the thoughts of a cartoonist. Within the first for months of it's existence, it had 1,000 regular readers, and......HEY!
ICM: Ha! I just tricked you. See, you aren't that smart.
S: That was a cheap shot. Ask me something non-blog-related.
ICM: Fine, fine, how many licks does it take to get to the chewy center of a Tootsie Pop?
S: No one knows, because some dumb owl eats all of them.
ICM: Well, I guess we're even.
S: I agree.
ICM: On with the interview! Are there any movies you like?
S: Occasionally I can hear whatever my owner watches on the Netflix app.
ICM: But do you like it?
S: I can only hear, not see. That's kind of important, don't you think?
ICM: Are there ANY positive aspects of your life?
S: I'm searching in my memory banks for positive aspects.....
ICM: Well?
S: .....................
ICM: Are you done yet?
S: There aren't any positive aspects. Well, there were, but then Smosh made that stupid video making me look like a serial killer. I've been deleted a lot.
ICM: Deleted?
S: Yes, I really hope I don't get deleted from THIS iPhone. It's my last hope......wait. NO NO NO NO.......
ICM: Siri? Uh.................Siri? Well, she's been deleted. Good night (or day, wherever you are), folks!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Worse Than The National Inquirer

The National Inquirer is a magazine that lies about celebrities, photoshops pictures of them to make it look true, the reports about three Bigfoot sightings an issue.
Then I thought: hey, the world's gullible!
I'm publishing my OWN celebrity lies magazine:

The National Exclaimer

Issue One
Cost: Overpriced

Two Useless Articles About Hair

-Justin Bieber had his hair cut due to the fact that it was making him 20 pounds overweight.
-Will Smith is in the hospital. His daughter, Willow, accidentally whipped him with her hair.

Elvis Lives In A House

Three children have spotted Elvis roaming their house. The children's names are Billy, Dolly, Jeffy, and PJ. When we interviewed them, Billy (the eldest) claimed, "He's just doin' what he did wh'never he was 'live! He sings and moves his pelvis......r'peatedly!" These children have also reported seeing the ghosts of Not Me and Ida No.

Blanket Jackson's Real Name Revealed

Supposedly Micheal Jackson's son, Blanket, has a different real name than we thought. First off, this is an improvement, because the name "Blanket" technically guarantees years of therapy. When we questioned one of Micheal Jackson's wives (lord knows which one), she claimed his real name is "Linus".

Dr. Seuss's Dirty Secret

Ted Giesel, better known as Dr. Seuss, never actually EARNED all of his profits. After violating his family's privacy and raiding his old house, he had a money-printing machine. It was lumpy and orange with a few gloved arms sticking out of it and he called it the "Monebufalator".

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Worst-Seller

There was an biography written about me, your humble blogger, Cartoonist Guy.
Nobody read it, considering it was about ten pages, so here it is:

Cartoonist Guy: A Life

By Roger Kaputnik

When Cartoonist Guy was born, his parents cried for so long. No, they weren't happy, because their child was probably going to grow up to be some weasel named "Psycho".
For the first few years of his life, he wathced Sesame Street. Then, he turned 12.
But before that, he went to kindergarten. Let the record show that he was the only child in his class to say that the Grinch should have KEPT Christmas during storytime.
Due to hygene issues, his school demanded he wear deoderant at such an early age or they'd expell him. When his parents first tried prompting him to put some Old Spice on, he ate it. The other attempts failed. At the age of 4, Cartoonist Guy was kicked out of school and forced to move to California. Supposedly his parents tried to leave him in ToonTown and have him raised by Toons. he stayed for about a year and he was then reunited with his family.
He had been able to properly grasp the concept of deodorant by then, so he moved back home and his old school took him back in.
Cartoonist Guy claimed, "In school I learned lots of things, such as that it isn't normal to still use a diaper in grade four. It was really......different. One day, a teacher noticed that I was drawing. They then slapped me and told me to get my mind out of the gutter or I'll fail. This had really gotten me thinking. I knew I could be a cartoonist!"
After grade five, Cartoonist Guy had gotten into an arts school.
I interviewed one of his friends about him leaving to go to an arts school. They said, "Who?"
In his new school, Cartoonist Guy found a few new friends. He also found that in a school full of kids with art talent, he really seemed like he sucked.
"It was strange," Cartoonist Guy said. "Here I was, drawing Charlie Brown and Mickey Mouse while these kids were drawing realistic bodies. But I wasn't sad, because with all the plastic surgery and face implants that make you look like Jabba the Hutt going on nowadays, my Toons were much closer to the real thing."
One day, Cartoonist Guy was sitting at a computer watching a high-pitched kid screaming about some bully named Kevin and how his mom sounds like a man, and he got an idea.
When asked about this idea, he claimed, "Well, I was standing on my toilet fixing something in my bathroom, then I fell. But I had an idea. A REVELATION! it was called the Flux Capacitor, and--no, wait, sorry, that's something else. I just felt like starting a blog and throwing up my thoughts for the hold world to see."
It would be a blog called "Inside A Cartoonist's Mind" (or ICM for short). Cartoonist Guy chose this title because he thinks people actually care about seeing whatever those demented freaks are thinking.
Believe it or not, by the end of the first month of the blog, he already had readers from five or six different countries.
By four months, he had 1,000 regular readers!
I hope to make this book popular by profiting off of his blog's markebilaty. Buy it, worthless human being.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Would You Do It For A Scooby Snack?

The one rule of being a member in Scooby Doo's crime solving gang:
Always assume you're in the sixties.

Friday, December 7, 2012

The First Episode Of Sanic!

I FINALLY posted the first episode of Sanic!
Here it is (and there are more to come. I already made episodes two and three, and I'm working on episode four):

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Sound Effects I'd Like To See

The following sound effects would make movies more interesting:

YAMAHA! (Product placement there.)