Sunday, September 22, 2013

My Reviews Will Go On

I disappeared for a while. (Or seven days, whatever.)
Why? Because I promised epic movie reviews, (although not of the movies "Epic Movie" and "Epic"...) and it took me a while to think of what to write for each, but they're starting NOW.

Titanic (1997)

Plot: A boat sinks. Didn't we all know this?

Deeper Into The Plot: You will see naked people, death, people jumping off boats into a bigger boat, and screaming! It starts out when Jack Dawson, a "traveler" (I call them "hobos"), wins two tickets to the Titanic for him and his friend Fabio (who I called "Super Mario"). The guy he wins them from really dodged a bullet. Unfortunately, his tickets are in the third-class level, which is technically a sewer. He meets Rose, who came on this cruise with her mom, the rich jerk she's getting forced to marry, and Molly Brown, who MAD Magazine described as "so fat, she's the standby anchor for the colossal ship".
Rose is about to commit suicide by jumping off the boat. You'd really think the security would notice her doing that, but you'd be wrong! Jack saves her, love scene, but the security and obnoxious guy-to-marry rush in (oh, sure, NOW they notice!) and think Jack is trying to murder Rose. Rose vouches for him, and he gets invited to dinner with her. He then invites HER to dinner, then shows her his sketchbook, full of naked people.

Rose asks Jack to draw her like "one of his French girls", but instead of putting a beret on her and making her eating croissants (sorry French people. I'm part-French, so I thought it might be okay), he draws her naked! The jerk-to-marry person is jealous of Jack, so he steals Rose's necklace, a prized possession, which Jack drew her wearing in the "French" picture, and places it in Jack's pocket. He gets framed. The ship starts to sink, and the third-class people are trapped because the crew are an army of butts.
Rose escapes onto a lifeboat with her mom, Molly Brown, and Marriage-Jerk, but jumps off to save Jack.

But hey, this movie has been really amazing so far. No plotholes, except for this one: When Jack and Rose are floating in the water, Rose gets up on a piece of Debris. Safe! But then Jack doesn't and dies (spoiler), even though he easily could have fit on the debris, too. I dunno, were they making it more tragic?
Rose is saved and brought home. Years later, a crew of workers find Jack's "French" drawing on the sunken Titanic, and Rose gets called in to tell the entire story, which I just told you.

The only way she can prove that she's the girl in the drawing is with her necklace, which she has. (She got it back after being stolen.) Then when she's alone, Rose drowns her necklace by throwing it into the sea without telling anyone, where it will rust and decompose, as it is THE LAST PIECE OF EVIDENCE ABOUT THE TITANIC ASIDE FROM THE ACTUAL DROWNED SHIP. She then dies in her sleep.
And they all live happily ever after! No, wait, they're all dead.

Rating: Ten stars (out of a possible ten). It's not the genre I'm used to (I'm a comedy guy), but this was a great movie aside from the aforementioned one plothole.

Recommended For: Someone learning about the Titanic.

You'll Like It If: You're patient. This is three hours long!
New review coming soon!