Sunday, March 24, 2013

Choose Your Own Adventure Fail

You know those Choose Your Own Adventure books? They're books where you can choose what happens next, and you DIE IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY ENDING.
So, I made my own:

Choose Your Own Adventure: ICM Edition

You are reading the blog ICM, and you are about to read a post where you do a Choose Your Own Adventure. If you wish to continue, go to page 15. If you don't go to page 2.
Too bad! Continue anyways, sucker! Go to page 15.
You start to read this lame feature, and suddenly, a dragon swoops in your room. Not just ANY dragon, but a robot-unicorn-Mexican-auilriphobic-osessive-compulsive-dragon....that's standing on Garfield...under the sea!! That's right, all of a sudden, you're under the sea. Do you want to fight him or not? If you want to fight, go to page 16. If you don't, go to page 20.
You start to fight, and then the dragon turns into Voltron. You can't decide if this is a MetLife ad or if you're waxing nostalgic, so you run. You run, then you realize that you can't breathe under the sea and die. Too bad, so sad. Should've gone to page 20.
You may not fight, so the dragon fights you. Unfortunately for him, Garfield walks away, then the dragon falls, and he dies. You win! You swim above the surface and make your way home. But wait! Meh, nothing happens. Go to page 46.
All of a sudden you see Quiznos. Do you want to go in? If you want a sub, go to page 127. If not, go to page 47.
You just keep walking. All of a sudden, your Quiznos-deprivation kicks in, and you starve to death. Ha ha! Loser! Page 127 seems like a good choice now, huh?
PAGE 127
You go into Quiznos, and they announce that you are there eleventy-quillionth customer. "What do I win," you ask? "NOTHING!!" They scream. They then kill you for being so selfish. The end.
See,you can't win!