Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Worst-Seller

There was an biography written about me, your humble blogger, Cartoonist Guy.
Nobody read it, considering it was about ten pages, so here it is:

Cartoonist Guy: A Life

By Roger Kaputnik

When Cartoonist Guy was born, his parents cried for so long. No, they weren't happy, because their child was probably going to grow up to be some weasel named "Psycho".
For the first few years of his life, he wathced Sesame Street. Then, he turned 12.
But before that, he went to kindergarten. Let the record show that he was the only child in his class to say that the Grinch should have KEPT Christmas during storytime.
Due to hygene issues, his school demanded he wear deoderant at such an early age or they'd expell him. When his parents first tried prompting him to put some Old Spice on, he ate it. The other attempts failed. At the age of 4, Cartoonist Guy was kicked out of school and forced to move to California. Supposedly his parents tried to leave him in ToonTown and have him raised by Toons. he stayed for about a year and he was then reunited with his family.
He had been able to properly grasp the concept of deodorant by then, so he moved back home and his old school took him back in.
Cartoonist Guy claimed, "In school I learned lots of things, such as that it isn't normal to still use a diaper in grade four. It was really......different. One day, a teacher noticed that I was drawing. They then slapped me and told me to get my mind out of the gutter or I'll fail. This had really gotten me thinking. I knew I could be a cartoonist!"
After grade five, Cartoonist Guy had gotten into an arts school.
I interviewed one of his friends about him leaving to go to an arts school. They said, "Who?"
In his new school, Cartoonist Guy found a few new friends. He also found that in a school full of kids with art talent, he really seemed like he sucked.
"It was strange," Cartoonist Guy said. "Here I was, drawing Charlie Brown and Mickey Mouse while these kids were drawing realistic bodies. But I wasn't sad, because with all the plastic surgery and face implants that make you look like Jabba the Hutt going on nowadays, my Toons were much closer to the real thing."
One day, Cartoonist Guy was sitting at a computer watching a high-pitched kid screaming about some bully named Kevin and how his mom sounds like a man, and he got an idea.
When asked about this idea, he claimed, "Well, I was standing on my toilet fixing something in my bathroom, then I fell. But I had an idea. A REVELATION! it was called the Flux Capacitor, and--no, wait, sorry, that's something else. I just felt like starting a blog and throwing up my thoughts for the hold world to see."
It would be a blog called "Inside A Cartoonist's Mind" (or ICM for short). Cartoonist Guy chose this title because he thinks people actually care about seeing whatever those demented freaks are thinking.
Believe it or not, by the end of the first month of the blog, he already had readers from five or six different countries.
By four months, he had 1,000 regular readers!
I hope to make this book popular by profiting off of his blog's markebilaty. Buy it, worthless human being.